Sheldon: Now remember, you were given powerful pain medication and a muscle relaxer, so don’t operate heavy machinery, and try not to choke on your own drool.
*Sheldon is is about to leave.*
Penny: Wait! You have to help me get into bed. (laughs) “Sheldon has to help me get into bed”. Bet you thought I’d never say that!
Sheldon: Yes. Charmed, your drug-addled candour knows no bounds.
*Sheldon follows her to her room after shutting the door. He pulls down the covers to help Penny into bed.*
Penny: You know people think you are this weird robot man who’s so annoying all the time and you totally are. But then it’s like that movie Wall-E at the end. You’re so full of love and you can save a plant and get fat people out of their floaty chairs.
Sheldon: Thats a fairly laboured metaphor but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.
Penny: Sing ‘Soft Kitty’ to me.
Sheldon: ‘Soft kitty’ is for when you’re sick, you’re not sick.
Penny: Injured and drugged is a kind of sick.
Sheldon: (sitting on the bed next to her) Soft Kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…
Penny: Wait wait. Lets sing it as a round. I’ll start. Soft Kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur… *Sheldon doesn’t join in.*
Penny: So that is when you come in. I’ll start over. Soft Kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur… Still nothing from Sheldon.
Penny: I’ve got all night Sheldon. *She starts again.*
Penny: Soft Kitty, warm kitty…
Sheldon: Soft Kitty, warm kitty… *They both sing the entire song together.*
Penny: Here you go, (to Leonard) Quesadilla, (to Howard) Salad, (to Raj) Here’s your pizza. And thanks to Sheldon’s heated discussion with my manager, one barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon, and cheese on the side.
Sheldon: Thank you!
Penny: Go ahead. Eat it!
*Sheldon looks at Penny.*
Penny: I dare you!
*Sheldon looks at his burger.*
Sheldon: Wait, put this in the bathroom.
Leonard: What for?
Sheldon: I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren’t shutting down.
Leonard: I mix pancake batter in this!
Sheldon: No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.
Leonard: You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn’t have ten seconds to make a label that said “urine cup”?
Sheldon: It’s right here on the bottom.
Leonard: Huh, I guess I owe the Betty Crocker Company a letter of apology.
Sheldon: *knock knock knock* Leonard? *knock knock knock* Leonard? *knock knock knock* Leonard?
Leonard: *opens door* What Sheldon! What Sheldon! What Sheldon!
Sheldon: Tell me what you see here. (Holding his laptop.)
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?
Amy’s Mom: It’s nice to meet you too Sheldon, I honestly didn’t believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.
Sheldon: I assure you, I am quite real and I’m having regular intercourse with your daughter.
Amy’s Mom: What?
Sheldon: Oh yes, We’re like wild animals in heat. It’s a wonder neither of us has been hurt!
Amy’s Mum: Amy? What is he saying?
Amy: You wanted me to have a boyfriend, mother, well here he is! Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loin.
Sheldon: Oh yes. It’s time for me to make love to your daughter’s vagina.
Sheldon: At my age do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die?
Leonard: At the hands of your room mate?
Sheldon: An accident.
Leonard: That’s how I’m going to make it look.
Sheldon: I wouldn’t tell you the secret. (pause) Shhhhh!!!!
Leonard: What secret? Tell me the secret.
Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell dad.
Leonard: Not that secret, the other secret.
Sheldon: I’M BATMAN!!!! SHHHH!!!
Sheldon: I believe I do, I’m the guy.
Penny: You’re not the guy.
Sheldon: Are you sure? It would explain so much, your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time.
Penny: I call everyone sweetie.
Sheldon: You tramp!
